I remember many years ago sitting in a therapist’s office and asking desperately for help to understand difficult relationships. I was feeling victimized by my boss, my family, my partner and a slew of other individuals. It seemed the closer the relationship, the greater the pain and suffering. Someone was always pressing my buttons. What was the matter with them? Didn’t they know that relationship is supposed to be about joy, intimacy, and give-and-take?! Would they ever wake up and change their ways? And yet, I found out that the important people in my life were asking the very same question, wondering if I (yes, me) would ever change. Given this conundrum, what could I possibly do to find peace and create better relationships?
Pathwork turned my perceptual world upside down by asking me to shine the light of awareness on myself rather than on the “difficult” other person. Could it be that the individuals I encountered in life were simply triggers for my emotional reactions? Could it be that unresolved issues inside me were becoming activated while in relationship? And more importantly, that relationship difficulties could actually be a catalyst for greater self-awareness and spiritual maturity? In fact, it could be said that relationship problems serve as a doorway into a fuller life. We can either blindly project our unresolved issues onto one another, or begin to wake up to new possibilities for self-understanding.
The great emphasis of this Pathwork is to first approach the self when considering a relationship problem. This requires us to get really intimate with our own inner life. How am I feeling about myself as I relate to this person? What is being stirred within me? Must my happiness be dependent on other people doing the “right” thing? To approach self first, means searching for the part I play, in situations where I am negatively affected by another (no matter how blatantly at fault the other may be). It seems so much easier to shift most of the burden to others.
A favourite tendency among people is to say, “You are doing it to me.” A subtle blaming of others for one’s personal unhappiness. This is what must be challenged. Happiness and fulfillment are available to all people who seek within their own heart to find the key to relationship problems. Pathwork teaches that a powerful way to grow personally is to use the following approach: “I want to risk losing my own good feelings. I want to seek the cause in me, rather than in the other person, so I become free to love.”
Lecture 180. The Spiritual Significance of Human Relationship
Judy Size-Cazabon, Pathworker and Integral Master Coach™